Coach without Shame

I have made a personal effort this year to watch at least two TED talks each week. There are tons of talks that offer new and unique perspectives on the world with the missing of “spreading ideas”. Usually, I gravitate to talks about technological innovations or understanding the history of technology. However, this week, I found a few talks that offer a better understanding of human psychology. It seems to me, these are talks which highlight the need to reshape youth sports.  Specifically, understand how shame is a misunderstood emotion.

Expectations

I believe youth sports has become so focused on success, that the social and mental benefits for kids are completely ignored. Parents set unreasonable expectations and have visions of college scholarships. They behave as if they just pushed a little harder or someone else pushed them, they could have been more successful. Therefore, they want to offer better opportunities for their kids.

It is clear higher demands and high expectations are not the real secret to success. Meeting goals and timelines is certainly proper and important for goal setting. However, that is only half the story.

Adversity

Although goals are important, personal growth only happens in the face of adversity. Challenges where failure is possible teach kids lessons in how to grow, especially in adulthood. Responding to failure teaches kids how to cope with adversity. Good coaches guide kids through that adversity using many tactics such as different drills, cheering “that’s alright” or “next play”, suggesting minor corrections, teaching points and many others that offer positive support.

However, there is one tactic that is destructive to future growth and the relationships kids need. That tactic is often employed without even realizing the impact. It often has exactly the opposite effect by creating fear and tension. That tactic is shame.

Connection

Connection is why we are here as humans. In order for connection to happen, we should be vulnerable. That means coaches need to allow kids to show vulnerability. Shame unravels connection it makes us feel unworthy to feel connected because “I’m not good enough”.

My Takeaways from “Listening to Shame – Brené Brown”

• Worthiness vs Shame – is people believe they are worthy of love an belonging. Courage (vs bravery) – to be imperfect, Compassion – to be kind to self, Connection – as a result of authenticity. Need to be able to let go of who they “should be” in order to be who they are.
• Blame is a way to discharge pain and discomfort.
• Kids are hard wired for struggle. Kids don’t need to be pushed to make the golf team by 4th grade and college offers by 9th grade. Make sure they know they are imperfect and capable of dealing with mistakes. You ARE worthy of LOVE and BELONGING.
• Love with your whole heart – kids can tell if you’re fully invested!
• Practice gratitude – appreciated your life
• Believe I am enough
• Theodore Roosevelt – “Man in the Arena quote”
• Shame is the gremlin that say to us “You’re no good enough”. or “Who do you think you are?”
• Guilt is “I did something bad” – focus on behavior
• Shame is “I am bad” – focus on self
• The ability to hold up what we wanted to do or failed to do against something we want to be is incredibly adaptive.

By Gender

• Shame for women is do it all doit perfectly and never let them see you sweat. Unattainable expectations
• Shame for men is “do not be perceived as weak”

Empathy is key

• “If we are going to find our way back to each other, vulnerability is going to be that path.” – Dr. Brené Brown
• Need to dare greatly

Translation to Coaching

Coaches need to understand that shame can cause a result, but it is not the most effective way to get there. In fact, the worst part is it robs people from understanding personal growth and becoming a truly strong and successful adult.