There are dozens of stories you hear every year about helicopter parents who are so concerned for their kids, they seem to be there with a pillow every time they could be falling. While that is not literally the case, it feels like some parents can’t let their kids fail for fear they will experience some pain. However, we can all recall the most formative times in our lives are the most challenging.
Coaches need to be able to challenge their players for them to grow. That usually means they are likely to fail a few times. Most coaches are trying to stretch players and accept failure as part of the process. On the other hand helicopter parents can influence coaches which ironically limits the child’s growth. As a coach, you need to manage the situation if the players are to improve under your watch.
I’m going to share four steps of managing helicopter parents on your team.
1. Identify – Identifying helicopter parents ahead of time may not be as obvious as it seems. While there will be some that will be there each and every day. The key factor is the focus and attention of the parent. Some just like to watch their kids play and are clearly would not be considered a helicopter parent. They are typically sitting quietly and possibly engaging in small talk with you during breaks.
Whereas the helicopter parent is watching just their kids, shouting or whispering tips just to their daughter or son. They are watching every play and action, ready to correct as soon as they make a mistake. Likewise, it won’t take long before the player will be paralyzed during play trying to please their parent by doing everything “right”. These players eventually become robots because they are just trying to follow directions. Robots, like the tin-man, don’t have any heart. Coaches need players who can play and kids can’t play unless they have their heart in the game ready to learn.
2. Establish Your role – Now that you’ve identified there is a helicopter parent on your team, you have to remind yourself that your role is to have a positive impact for the kids. That also implies you need to accept that your responsibility to make it clear to the parent and player that, during practices and games the coaches are in charge. Parents need to trust you as a coach that your job is to make them better. Set the tone early in the season and make it clear for all parents that coaching from the sideline is not acceptable.
One of the best sentences I’ve stolen from anther coach is, “Parents need to know that, while it may not seem like it at home, they hear you in the stands over anything the coaches yell.” Coaches need to be the only voice they hear except cheering and support.
3. Addressing parents – Aside from establishing your role as the coach, you may have to address a parent directly regarding their impact on their child’s growth. You don’t need to be aggressive nor rude. However, you do need to describe what you observed, how it impacted the situation and what they can do instead. We can break this down deeper at another time, but the key thing is not to wait until there have been too many incidents. Ignoring it will not make it go away. In fact, it will just get worse. When you do finally talk with the parent they will be thinking, “I just crossed the line once, it will never happen again.” In fact, you probably wait until you couldn’t take it any more or the other parents ask you to speak up. Unfortunately, that can be too late if you want to change the parent’s behavior and make the season a positive experience for the player. As the coach you may get the blame because you didn’t get along with the parent. That may not be fair, but just like in competition, it is not always fair. However, if you really want to be a great coach, you have to be willing do your part to improve youth sports. It IS your role point out the counter-productive behavior.
4. Addressing players – In my experience, players are in the toughest position because they love their parents and want to please them. Depending on the age group, they may not have matured enough to appreciate the need for risk with the potential for failure. I happen to think this is the greatest lesson that youth sports provides, coping with failure. As the coach, your role is to convince the player that failure and disappointment are good, because it’s the only way to learn. The disappointment they feel in failure shows they care.
Addressing players with helicopter parents can be a bit touchy. You certainly don’t want to create any tension at home and insulting their parents won’t help your relationships either. My recommendation is to confirm they heard their parents and remind the player their parents love them so much, “they want you to succeed”. Then remind them you want them to succeed too and they need to get better by trying new experiences. However, remind them hey should be listening to coaches because the coaches have a bigger picture of the season, the team, the plays and their improvement as a player.
Explain to the player that you are going to talk with their parents to make sure they understand the confusion it creates and makes everyone look silly. Let them know it’s okay to tell their parents, “I think you should talk with my coach because I’m not sure who to pay attention to during games. I’m confused and I don’t want to disappoint anyone.”
These are some very high level steps to dealing with parents. Look for more details to come soon.
The mission of this site is to transform the relationship between coaches and parents in youth sports.
lines, the sight of dew on the the outfield grass but most importantly the look on a child’s face when they had their first hit. The look of fear when they face a live pitcher for the first time, and realize that it’s really not that scary. That ground ball that magically made it in their mitt. Or The time they strikeout and can’t wait to get another chance at hitting the ball. There are so many ups and downs in this game, sometimes the real challenge is learning how to deal with it and being able to keep on playing through it all.
out who I was going to battle for playing time.