Kurt

Parents spend hours shuttling kids from school to practices or games. Then back home in time to complete homework. It is not part of the vision we had when we started a family. Although, I’m sure no one sacrifices their time because we love our car so much or even just to get our kids on the “right team”.

However, we decided to commit to another season because it is an investment in their future. Right?

Transactional Sports

Parents actually are trying to take advantage of every possible activity to develop happy and successful adults. Therefore many gravitate to the most convenient option or most popular program. After all, could the crowds and recommendations be wrong?

Parents need to be wary of “popular” options. They should make sure the program is focused on transforming kids into well-rounded adults. There are many coaches and programs which are available just to fill demand and make a few bucks. They often offer many games, but very few practices. These programs are strictly transactional programs focused on building capacity and revenue.

Transformational Sports

The most valuable programs are focused on transforming your kids into adults. They focus on practices and experiences over tournaments, games and trophies. Winning is important as a relative test of improvement, but the practices and instruction create the growth.

Moreover, the time spent with coaches and team mates allows kids to work on relationships. Although, not all relationships blossom into friendships, each one teaches kids how to work with others.

At the end of the day, parents need to step back and identify what they really want for their kids… 10,000 games or 10,000 experiences? It’s the experiences that will be transformational for your kids, on and off the playing field.

Parents take the responsibility of raising their kids very seriously. They feel the pressure to do all they can to make sure they are successful and happy.

Many parents believe that implies focusing on their favorite sport early and often. After all, a little is good and fun, then more should be better. Right?

Unfortunately, the evidence is clear that specialization in young athletes increases likelihood of injury and burnout. The study published by Sports Health in May 2013 compiled evidence that shows that delaying specialization in one sport is good for the athlete through decreased injury and increased participation.

They found that athletes who diversify when they are young and wait to specialize until later, increase chances of success for three reasons:

1. more enjoyment
2. fewer injuries
3. longer participation

Parents need to resist the temptations to focus on one sport too early if they want the best chances of happiness and success.

I have made a personal effort this year to watch at least two TED talks each week. There are tons of talks that offer new and unique perspectives on the world with the missing of “spreading ideas”. Usually, I gravitate to talks about technological innovations or understanding the history of technology. However, this week, I found a few talks that offer a better understanding of human psychology. It seems to me, these are talks which highlight the need to reshape youth sports.  Specifically, understand how shame is a misunderstood emotion.

Expectations

I believe youth sports has become so focused on success, that the social and mental benefits for kids are completely ignored. Parents set unreasonable expectations and have visions of college scholarships. They behave as if they just pushed a little harder or someone else pushed them, they could have been more successful. Therefore, they want to offer better opportunities for their kids.

It is clear higher demands and high expectations are not the real secret to success. Meeting goals and timelines is certainly proper and important for goal setting. However, that is only half the story.

Adversity

Although goals are important, personal growth only happens in the face of adversity. Challenges where failure is possible teach kids lessons in how to grow, especially in adulthood. Responding to failure teaches kids how to cope with adversity. Good coaches guide kids through that adversity using many tactics such as different drills, cheering “that’s alright” or “next play”, suggesting minor corrections, teaching points and many others that offer positive support.

However, there is one tactic that is destructive to future growth and the relationships kids need. That tactic is often employed without even realizing the impact. It often has exactly the opposite effect by creating fear and tension. That tactic is shame.

Connection

Connection is why we are here as humans. In order for connection to happen, we should be vulnerable. That means coaches need to allow kids to show vulnerability. Shame unravels connection it makes us feel unworthy to feel connected because “I’m not good enough”.

My Takeaways from “Listening to Shame – Brené Brown”

• Worthiness vs Shame – is people believe they are worthy of love an belonging. Courage (vs bravery) – to be imperfect, Compassion – to be kind to self, Connection – as a result of authenticity. Need to be able to let go of who they “should be” in order to be who they are.
• Blame is a way to discharge pain and discomfort.
• Kids are hard wired for struggle. Kids don’t need to be pushed to make the golf team by 4th grade and college offers by 9th grade. Make sure they know they are imperfect and capable of dealing with mistakes. You ARE worthy of LOVE and BELONGING.
• Love with your whole heart – kids can tell if you’re fully invested!
• Practice gratitude – appreciated your life
• Believe I am enough
• Theodore Roosevelt – “Man in the Arena quote”
• Shame is the gremlin that say to us “You’re no good enough”. or “Who do you think you are?”
• Guilt is “I did something bad” – focus on behavior
• Shame is “I am bad” – focus on self
• The ability to hold up what we wanted to do or failed to do against something we want to be is incredibly adaptive.

By Gender

• Shame for women is do it all doit perfectly and never let them see you sweat. Unattainable expectations
• Shame for men is “do not be perceived as weak”

Empathy is key

• “If we are going to find our way back to each other, vulnerability is going to be that path.” – Dr. Brené Brown
• Need to dare greatly

Translation to Coaching

Coaches need to understand that shame can cause a result, but it is not the most effective way to get there. In fact, the worst part is it robs people from understanding personal growth and becoming a truly strong and successful adult.